Wednesday, April 05, 2006
Spending time A-L-O-N-E
Hmm.. I have lost the motivation to do what I should do tonight. Dont know why though. Started my day contemplating if I should attend the Medical Case Conference.. I slept 'early' this morning say 3am.. and waking up at 7? NONSENSE.. I woke up at 7.45am instead.. and yet I still feel sleepy.. afterwards. Walked to college afterwards on my own as no one wants to wait for me.. sigh.. life goes on.. people rush.. because they have to.. and they want to..but the walk this morning was good.. as always.. no sense of rush.. and plenty of time for myself..which I need at times, esp around this time of the year... Had a tutorial with Prof O Brien and Dr Marren.. hmm.. Tips wasnt too obvious but good enough.. Qs-DM Type1, Type 2, Hypertriglyceridaemia, CVA, MI, RF, Thyroid. Dermato-Acne, Eczema, Psoriasis, Bullous disease, Infection, Skin Ca. not too bad come to think of it.. Then went home to have the BEST nap ever.. I should not be sleeping late anymore- which means I need to sacrifice time spent online, texting (I could text like 12/night..or more..) day dreaming..
People who doesnt live with me in my room would think that I study 24, 7! Thats because I spend most of my time alone in the room and I dont quite like going to people's room unless I have something to tell/ask or I have something to do.. with them.. e.g. Bible study, Physical examination.. or they want me to go over.. otherwise... why? hmm.. I guess I am just not used to do this.. I dont see why you need to do that.. weird reasoning?.. probably so. I just dont see the logical part of it.. to talk? Maybe.. if you have so much to say.. but how come people have so much to talk about? Maybe it's just part of them..
Oh yea.. back to spending time alone in the room.. so.. when someone said I work really hard.. haha only God knows how much time I spent on studying/revising. I used to study really hard.. when I was in Banting.. I cant deny that.. also when I was in First to Third Med.. but I lost it since then.. I lost my momentum after Neuroscience exam in Third Med.. I lost my confidence when I didnt do well in Pharmacology..and all went down hill since then and I didnt manage to pick up from then on. How come? Something happened.. back then.... something that shouldnt have happened but it did.. and I was not the only one affected! Damn it! It was because of my OWN stupidity and childish way of handling a situation.. obviously.. God wants to shape my personality by making me realise How stupid and childish I was! I still am.. esp now.. when I dont get enough sleep.. moody macam nak mampus! I need a psychotherapy of some sort! I think I might be going for one after my finals. SeriousLY! Life is a mess for me right now.. inside my mind that is.... it's all in the mind..
As you can see.. from this blog.. that my mood fluctuates. I am very transparent.. my feelings.. you can tell when I am sick, sad, moody-esp this one, what else? happy.. n some even know what I am thinking.. thats the scariest part.. none of my best friends in Malaysia can figure out what I'm thinking most of the time.. but nothing is impossible to KJ! but of course I cant compare that to God right.. but I am talking about an earthly person here! Someone who doesnt spend time with me in my room or class. I dont really spend time in his room either.. ah well.. Life is full of surprises.
Today I am totally writing crap.. In conclusion, spending time alone in the room does not mean I am working/studying hard. If I do, I would have done very well in my exams.. People around me always have the impression that I am this one superb student.. and whenever they say that, I will feed sad and bad.. because they are giving me false hope! I think I know myself pretty well.. but what do I expect them to say to me? "yea.. you are a bad student!" (actually someone said that to me before in Cashel!) Lesson for me: Dont analyse every single farking word spoken out of anyone's mouth.. just accept the way things are.. and move it. Grow up as one of my close friend said to me.. (I thought I am mature-but only in certain area-still have plenty of gaps to fill in)
I wouldnt have realised this if I had not come over.. this is the most meaningful life journey I have ever had.. surrounded by people who would teach me to grow up.. people who would tell me the truth.. situations that make me think of my way of handling things.. thanks to the Wisdom of God! which I have only acquired now though not much just yet? How is that possible! I guess I have so much more learn then! CiaoZ
People who doesnt live with me in my room would think that I study 24, 7! Thats because I spend most of my time alone in the room and I dont quite like going to people's room unless I have something to tell/ask or I have something to do.. with them.. e.g. Bible study, Physical examination.. or they want me to go over.. otherwise... why? hmm.. I guess I am just not used to do this.. I dont see why you need to do that.. weird reasoning?.. probably so. I just dont see the logical part of it.. to talk? Maybe.. if you have so much to say.. but how come people have so much to talk about? Maybe it's just part of them..
Oh yea.. back to spending time alone in the room.. so.. when someone said I work really hard.. haha only God knows how much time I spent on studying/revising. I used to study really hard.. when I was in Banting.. I cant deny that.. also when I was in First to Third Med.. but I lost it since then.. I lost my momentum after Neuroscience exam in Third Med.. I lost my confidence when I didnt do well in Pharmacology..and all went down hill since then and I didnt manage to pick up from then on. How come? Something happened.. back then.... something that shouldnt have happened but it did.. and I was not the only one affected! Damn it! It was because of my OWN stupidity and childish way of handling a situation.. obviously.. God wants to shape my personality by making me realise How stupid and childish I was! I still am.. esp now.. when I dont get enough sleep.. moody macam nak mampus! I need a psychotherapy of some sort! I think I might be going for one after my finals. SeriousLY! Life is a mess for me right now.. inside my mind that is.... it's all in the mind..
As you can see.. from this blog.. that my mood fluctuates. I am very transparent.. my feelings.. you can tell when I am sick, sad, moody-esp this one, what else? happy.. n some even know what I am thinking.. thats the scariest part.. none of my best friends in Malaysia can figure out what I'm thinking most of the time.. but nothing is impossible to KJ! but of course I cant compare that to God right.. but I am talking about an earthly person here! Someone who doesnt spend time with me in my room or class. I dont really spend time in his room either.. ah well.. Life is full of surprises.
Today I am totally writing crap.. In conclusion, spending time alone in the room does not mean I am working/studying hard. If I do, I would have done very well in my exams.. People around me always have the impression that I am this one superb student.. and whenever they say that, I will feed sad and bad.. because they are giving me false hope! I think I know myself pretty well.. but what do I expect them to say to me? "yea.. you are a bad student!" (actually someone said that to me before in Cashel!) Lesson for me: Dont analyse every single farking word spoken out of anyone's mouth.. just accept the way things are.. and move it. Grow up as one of my close friend said to me.. (I thought I am mature-but only in certain area-still have plenty of gaps to fill in)
I wouldnt have realised this if I had not come over.. this is the most meaningful life journey I have ever had.. surrounded by people who would teach me to grow up.. people who would tell me the truth.. situations that make me think of my way of handling things.. thanks to the Wisdom of God! which I have only acquired now though not much just yet? How is that possible! I guess I have so much more learn then! CiaoZ
posted by Mel at 8:58 PM, | 
0 Comments:
« back home | Post a Comment